Friday, June 24, 2005

Dear Lord, Please Smite These Motherfuckers

Our Heavenly Father...
I know that the Universe is a big place, makes it hard to keep track of every detail everywhere, but I need to bring to Your attention some evil-doers who are mucking up your Creation down here.

There's a bunch down here on Earth called "Republicans", I'm sure some of the recent arrivals at the Pearly Gates have mentioned them in passing, who have been lying and stealing and killing, in Your name, and we could use a hand in dealing with them.

Remember Your Commandments, the ones You gave that Moses fellow?? They are being shredded...

Thou shalt have no other gods before me.

These Republicans have TWO Gods they esteem higher than You, Power and Money. They will do literally anything to acquire the former, and will let a chosen few hundred do anything to make the latter. I won't bore You with endless details, but remember those excellent mountains You made some 220 million years ago, the ones humans call The Appalachians?? Republicans decided that, to save a few dollars during the rape of Your good Earth, their friends could tear off the tops of any of those Mountains they want to to take the coal from inside them, and since mountaintops are real unhandy to store, they decided it would be okay to dump the mountaintops into the valleys, where You put creeks and Rivers. Only those who worship Money above all else could do that.

Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain.

You'll love this one. Not only does this bunch pose as being on Your side, they actually started an aggressive war down here and claimed You told them to!! I'm not up on the latest legal definition of "blasphemy" but if that doesn't qualify the word has no meaning.

Thou shalt not kill.

That war I mentioned they claim You told them to start?? Well, they don't bother to keep track of the number of women and children their war has killed, but I'm sure your Reception area has noticed the influx, best estimates down here are well over 100,000...

Thou shalt not steal.

Just look at their books, they are so blatant that an Arthur Andersen accountant could spot the fraud. They steal from old folks, from Indians, from veterans, hell this bunch is so sleazy they even steal from their own War effort...

Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.

If telling a lie to two people is worse than telling it to one, this bunch must hold the World's Record for Bearing False Witness. They called the Representatives of all the world's Nations together for the sole purpose of lying about why they needed to start their War, literally lying to every living soul on the Planet. Never in human history have so many been lied to at the same time. For what, You might ask??

Thou shalt not covet any thing that is thy neighbour's.

This brings us full circle; the two things they worship above all else, Money and Power, are currently embodied here on Earth by oil. The Country they brought War to has the second-largest reserves of the stuff on the Planet, so basically they lied and killed in order to steal this oil that belongs to somebody else. Almost a hat trick, but I have no reliable information to indicate they have committed adultery with their Fathers, but that's about all they've missed.

Dear Lord, please smite these motherfuckers. Smite them hip and thigh, and about the head and shoulders. Exactly what form the smiting should take I leave to Your Infinite Wisdom. Boils, frogs, pestilence, plague (a personal favorite of mine), whatever you have handy. No Pharoah or Gomorrahean ever deserved smiting any more than this bunch, and personally I don't think fire, brimstone and lightning would be excessive.

Smite them Lord, this we pray.